14 Butts

10 people and 4 dogs all under one roof.

Now there’s a recipe for chaos. I’m not even sure where to begin.

After a hell of a frantic week we were scheduled to head north for a weekend at the cottage.

Prior to this planning we had said yes to a birthday party for my middle daughter on Friday.

I was feeling weary by Friday so I asked my husband to take her and I’d pack up. By the time he returned home I was feeling really off. We wrap up at the house and hit the road.

My head was hurting for the whole drive and most of that drive I regretted leaving the house. But the show must go on.

We were the last to arrive.

My husband’s brother J beat us there with his 2 daughters, a boyfriend, his son, and 2 full size dogs. Add in our 3 kids, my spouse and our 2 midsize dogs and bingo. 14 butts under one roof.

The bonus here is the snow was shoveled and people helped us unload. Thanks!

The downside was it was late, the kids were tired but wouldn’t get in bed. Our 2 dogs wouldn’t stop psycho barking and it was well, chaos.

As I navigate through this with a pounding head I put sheets on beds. The niece’s dog took a dump in the girls room. Shit smell’s wafting around. She’s worried about the shit. I only care about my head.

We finally get my kids to bed, then after some settling in I pull a Houdini and disappear. I’m hoping I can sleep off the pain. It’s like a reset button on the brain.

The dogs are barking.

Me: “What time is it?”

Husband: “It’s 4am.”

We’re both not moving, secretly wishing the other will man up. I hold out, and win.

Husband throws off the covers and starts aggressive shushing the dogs. A few minutes later my head is attacked by wild beasts styling my hair with drool.

Husband is annoyed with the dogs, declares this won’t work and retreats to the couch, beasts in tows.

I’m so thankful because I’m still hoping for a brain reset on the headache by morning.

Morning comes and I’m pretty sure this is a horrible hangover, except I don’t drink. That’s the best way to explain how I feel to non head pain people.

I was lucky enough to sleep in until 9am. I walk out to pancakes being made and people chatting. Why is my head so angry?

Coffee. Coffee fixes everything. I need coffee, morning hugs and snuggles by the fire.

It’s about 11am now and I retreat to my room. My head is an asshole.

There’s no fun chatting with company for me.

I’m in bed about 15 minutes before I make the run to go puke up my soul healing coffee.

It’s horrible, violent purging. My body just wants to unleash the pain but I’m loosing.

For 2 hours straight I puked my guts out. The occasional knock on the door would come for the mandatory check in.

“I’m puking.” I yell between pukes. I would sleep, or pass out sitting up with my head on the toilet seat like a drunk night gone wrong.

What can I say? I. Am. Glamorous.

I hear people playing games, having fun and venturing out doors. It’s a winter wonderland outside, snow shenanigans are to be expected.

I finally leave the bathroom because one of my daughters wants to visit me. I head to bed to snuggle her.

Honestly I don’t like to be alone when I’m this kind of pain. I just like a presence with me, it’s comforting. I was happy she wanted to snuggle me.

So we laid in bed for approximately 1 or 2 minutes before I had to dash back to the bathroom. It broke my heart to leave her.

I reaclaimed my thrown in the bathroom. This time I used the towels to make a shitty bed on the floor where I slept for the next 2 hours.

Stop being jealous of my life or we can’t be friends.

Meanwhile I am mostly unaware of the happenings of the other 13 butts. Although I will bring those into the story as they unfolded for me.

I make it to my bed, finally. It’s so soft.

Husband pops in the bedroom to check on me. I can smell dinner cooking, and the smell is horrendous. I’m offended. Waves of nausea rolling over me.

In reality, or non migraine living, the smells are non-offensive. This is just a part of my existence.

Soon enough my kids were lining up around me like a pack of hot dogs. It’s at this time they all express their need to be fed.

Apparently 4 hours of the pukes isn’t stopping these kids from needing a waitress.

I leave the cartoons to babysit my kids while I fetch some food.

I’ll be honest, I was really annoyed that I just stopped puking and I became the one responsible for feeding the kids. I bit my tongue as I marched to and from the kitchen feeling shitty. Then resume my position in the hot dog pack.

Now unbeknownst to me there was a reason husband never returned. *Le Sigh*

Everyone was sitting down for dinner. A lovely meal prepared by the niece’s boyfriend. Here comes my precious Peanut dog and pukes in the shag carpet, next to the dinner table.

Apparently there wasn’t disgust over the impromptu purge. Rather a “Wow” over the volume that was brought up.

Just as there was acceptance over this incident Peanut walks three steps and gives an encore performance.

Meanwhile I am annoyed that husband didn’t return to assist me. Too bad he’s super skilled at scrubbing vomit out of the carpet.

We’re a classy bunch, take notes.

He returns, I tell him he’s annoying and he tells me he’s carpet cleaning vom. Fine, all is forgiven.

I herd my family to mingle with the pack where everyone has 2 cents to add about my ice packs velcroed to my head. Newsflash…I’m a trendsetter.

I’m filled in on the outdoor fun I missed out on. My favorite highlight was when the nephew K was being pulled on a sled, behind the side by side. As he’s screaming stop it hurts his dad yells no, Uncle N is trying to get pictures.

Pictures of fun always trump you kid screaming it hurts. We’re excellent at parenting. Promise.

The night wraps up fine except for someone being locked in a room a few times from a bum door. Sorry it took a while to hear your whimpers of help, we’ll fix it soon.

So we all go to bed.

Now for some reason my husband decides the dogs need to sleep with us. Our dogs never sleep with us.

Nighty night.

My husband and I and our dogs mostly had an uneventful night. The others, well hey, at least we slept.

Sometime about 3am I heard my dogs stirring and that’s about it.

On the other side of my door there was a jail break. Myko the husky was apparently not into sleeping. With some A+ effort he managed to push the pocket door outwards and army crawl under it. Impressive right?

Myko kept going though. Why stop at the top of the stairs? He busted through that obstacle in no time. He them made it through J’s door and busted out Karma for some rough housing play a la 3am.

J gets up panicked and confused.

Karma runs downstairs, jumps into the niece and boyfriends bed and wakes them with face violating dog kisses. Confused A wake up realizing this is not her dog. The dogs head back upstairs for round w escape plan.

J grabs a handful of dog treats, throws them down the stairs and slams the door. His daughter A can take Myko, that’s her problem he tells us.

Karma is now missing in action.

J panics, did she come to break out my dogs now. He’s trying to put the pieces together.


He locked her downstairs again with Myko. So typically J, I’m dying laughing as he reenacts this story for me.

He finally gets it right and retreats to bed.

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